Be careful what you choose to call in, and more importantly, perhaps:
Be ready and open for however it arrives.
Last night, I had the honor to sit in with 24 beautiful, inspiring, and to quote one of them, “really REAL people.” We shared cacao. We shared truths. We shared fears. We shared sound healing. We shared our voices. And to close, in honor of today’s New Moon in Virgo, we shared “what’s next” for us.
I didn’t know what I would say. I never plan for it. But what came out was:
“More love. More gratitude. In everything.”
I called it in. I said it from the depths of my soul. I meant it, like really, I did.
“More love. More gratitude. In EVERYTHING.”
And the universe reverberated with a resounding, “Your wish is my command,” as it does.
As I cleaned up from ceremony, I felt it. Deep gratitude. For the humans that came up to me and shared their experiences. Deep gratitude. For the women who helped me clean the altar up with such ease and efficiency. Deep gratitude. For the impromptu dance party that broke out and all the booty shaking bliss. Deep gratitude. For the medicine of cacao and all she has offered me in such abundance since we first met. Deep gratitude. For the divine that flows through me in these truly “so close to perfect that I can’t even label them” moments. Deep gratitude. For the kind souls offering to help carry my 6+ bags + boxes of ceremony items down to my car.
My car. Fuck. My car.
I had left it in the loading zone as I unpacked the items for ceremony & got so swept up in preparing for the magical evening that I left it there. And it was no longer there. The realization took a minute because in the world I was floating in, this wasn't even possible.
And then, like that: my brain pulled from it’s blissful state and back to reality. It was almost midnight, so I jumped into action reaching out to any and everyone that I could until I finally found where it was being held through a chain of text messages. Okay… I breathed a sigh of gratitude. I could pick it up, right then and there, no 24-hour waiting period. Yes, gratitude. I was told the price, “Cash only, darling.”
Pause. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I didn’t have those funds. Tears began flowing. Money is simply energy, yes, but I forgot that learning and auto-piloted back into the state of lack that I’ve been so used to in this lifetime. I was an instant victim, all alone in this world. The self-deprecation loop re-activated from it's dormant state: "How could you be so stupid? You do this to yourself. You deserve this, you know that, right?"
The two people from ceremony that had stayed to help me figure this out walked in, and my spiraling paused. They offered to help. They were right here. One of them had a juice for me.
Holy. Fucking. Gratitude.
I remembered that beneath all of this, I was also two days into a juice cleanse and had only drank 1.5 juices all day in preparation for the big night. I was startled AND starving.
Tears returned. Of joy. Of gratitude.
It was still right there, available amidst the chaos.
Five or so sips of deep red, beet-flavored gratitude later, my brain switched tracks back to the wonderful silver lining land of infinite possibility.
I decided that I would wait until the morning, and pray for the cash or for a miracle to show up. The tow company said that if they could confirm I worked where I was towed from, it was possible that they would release the car, “But no promises!”
Yes. No promises. Just… gulp, surrender and wait. Eek.
I received a ride home. Deep gratitude. I had a beautiful, sweet, unexpected conversation. Deep gratitude. I opened the door to my excited loving Beamer. Deep gratitude. I opened the windows to let the sweet smell of rain in to coax me to sleep, and curled up in bed under the covers to journal. Deep gratitude. I started to fall asleep. Deep gratitude.
Sounds outside my window. Banging. Trash can knocking. Big noises. Beamer barking and so so so upset. I didn’t have my glasses on so I could only see the outline of the stranger outside my home and was not sure of their intent, but I shuffled quickly to close and lock the windows.
We are safe. They are gone. Deep gratitude.
In my quickness and blindness to act, I knocked over a piece of pottery that I’ve had for years, and it crashed violently to the ground. Tears returned.
As I mourned the loss of a ceramic bird and picked up it's shards from my bathroom floor, I cried out, literally cried out, “Why??! What am I doing so wrong??? Why am I being punished???”
And I heard loud and clear:
“More love. More gratitude. IN EVERYTHING.”
My words echoed back, not mocking, but reminding… asking. Was I committed to the work that I had shared in ceremony? Was I going to let a few inconvenient experiences overcome the deep transformational one that had led me to first receive this message?
“What’s next, Elyza?”
I sighed. I laughed a little. I heard loud and clear.
Deep. Fucking. Gratitude.
I returned to bed. I cuddled my pup. I scribbled ideas down onto paper to let them go. The night crept by in a partial-sleep, partial-anxious state, and I eventually woke up to a text from my hero, my boss, my friend. She made some calls. Her and her husband went out of their way. My car would be released, with no fee - “Cash only, darling.”
Deep. Fucking. Gratitude.
The woman at the impound lot smiled when I arrived. I was very lucky, apparently. And very grateful. There weren’t usually this many smiles at 8:15am on a Sunday morning, apparently. I shared my love for her, and that whole freaking place. That whole freaking experience. All of the humans that reached out to help. All of the energy given. All of the energy received. All of it.
I know now, perhaps for the first time ever, that deep fucking gratitude not only lives in the moments of bliss and dharma and purpose and wonderment. It also lives in the moments of uncertainty. In the chaos. In the lessons we’d prefer not to learn. In the anxiety. In the failing hard and fast. And it also lives in the surrender. Ah, the divine elusive incredible surrender.
Be careful with what you choose to call in, my beautiful friends. And perhaps, most importantly, be ready, willing, and open for however it arrives. I’m not sure that I fully was, but then again, here I am, sleep deprived yet truly feeling it and acknowledging it:
More love. And all the gratitude. In EVERYTHING. Even (and especially) the chaos.